The Perfect Soldier
by mmothballs
Summary: Edward leaves Bella in New Moon. She is bitten by Laurent in the meadow and is saved by Jacob from a pack of werewolves who think she’s better off dead. With Victoria is still lurking around, she decides to flee Forks and head south...
1. Your Scream Is Burning Through My Veins

**Summary:** Edward leaves Bella in New Moon. She is bitten by Laurent in the meadow and is saved by Jacob from a pack of werewolves who think she's better off dead. With Victoria is still lurking around, she decides to flee Forks and head south.

**Disclaimer: **Stephenie Meyer owns the story. Breaking Benjamin owns the title.

Your Scream Is Burning Through My Veins

**Jacob**

It's always easier to blame someone else. It's always easier to think that maybe things didn't have to be the way they were.

If only someone had detected the scent sooner...

If only we had run faster...

If only she hadn't associated herself with _him_.

And yet it kills me to think that just an extra fifteen seconds could have made all the difference.

The last three days have easily been the worst days of my life. It made Mom dying feel like a walk in the park. Sure, the sense of loss was hard to take for all of us. Hell, Rach couldn't even live at home anymore, but at least nobody had been left screaming for hours on end. I don't think I've ever heard anything scream like that before, not the way Bella was screaming. I wasn't even aware that anyone could make that kind of noise, though Bella was no longer what most would call 'anyone'.

It seemed almost fitting that I had to endure her screams, and as I sat watching her I knew I would have gladly taken her place. Bella didn't deserve this, she had been through enough pain from _their_ doing and yet, like a big cosmic joke, her fate seemed cruel to the very end.

I guess what they say is true. Life sucks and then you die.

Except that I couldn't let her die. I couldn't let the pack do that to her.

We had failed to protect her and that filthy goddamn leech had bitten her while we ran through the forest no more than two hundred meters away. She lay in the grass like a broken rag doll, her throat torn out and bloody against the rest of her ivory skin, a scene straight out of a horror film.

After we had destroyed the vile leech that had bitten her, I somehow managed to get Bella to the bloodsuckers' mansion. I remember picking her up and running for it, thinking that I didn't have half a chance in hell. There was no way the pack wouldn't stop me. Sam would order it. There was no way I would be able to run fast enough without phasing.

It was only when we crossed the boundary line did I even realize that we were alone. For some unknown reason they had let us go. Maybe they knew they that they would have had to take me out too. Whatever the reason, they didn't follow and at that point I was past caring. On any other day, in any other circumstance I would have cursed the massive white house that emerged beneath the thick vegetation, but that day the whole world had been overturned and flipped backwards.

It was the easiest building in the world to break into with one whole side made of glass. I guess security wouldn't have been an issue – more like home delivery – when you had seven bloodthirsty murderers living inside. Not that I was really complaining at that point.

Several seconds and one broken glass panel later, I managed to get us inside the living room despite every fibre in my body screaming at me to leave. The sickly sweet stench of leech was horrendous – a scent we had all been hardwired to hate above all other smells, passed on from generation to generation like everything else we knew.

Ignoring my watering eyes and burning nose, I managed to place Bella onto one of the big white sofas that stood in the living room. The screaming had stopped for the moment, replaced by soft whimpering and I noticed that she was no longer bleeding. Dark crimson blood still stained her neck, but underneath the skin was already healed.

I tried my best to comfort her as she whimpered and convulsed on the sofa, pretty sure that she couldn't hear me. "It's going to be okay," I found myself saying, repeating it like a mantra.

It was like part of me was simply refusing to accept what had happened. I was helpless, watching my worst nightmare unfold before me, and it was perhaps this doubt, this crippling sense of denial that kept Bella alive. Because despite what Sam had said about the newly turned, I had to believe that she would still be the same, still be Bella.

I couldn't lose her, and although it was selfish I knew that if I looked into her eyes I would _see_ her again. But the pain showed no sign of stopping, and she continued to wither on the couch. And as the living room shadows grew longer in the waning afternoon light, the room remained filled with her screams and cries and I felt my resolve falter. Our natural hatred for their kind was so strong that a little part of me couldn't help but feel that the pack had been right. The arms of death were preferable to what she would become.

There had been a point when I thought that it was finally over. The screaming had stopped again though she remained panting heavily on the sofa. Her eyes had flickered open in an unseeing stare and I'd felt myself cringe away, because before anything else had changed, her eyes were already glowing red.

Then her screams started again.

For the next three days, every single whimper, every single scream made me question my decision and yet there was nothing I could do but watch helplessly as my Bella turned into a monster as I battled my own personal hell.

Each day she grew colder, her temperature dropping significantly every few hours as her skin grew deathly pale. Each day I observed her scent turn sweeter and sweeter until at last it was almost sickly sweet, burning my nose.

Still her suffering didn't end and I found myself wishing for some knowledge of a time limit. Was this normal? How much longer would she have to endure it? Was I being cruel by allowing her to suffer? But werewolf knowledge on bloodsuckers began and ended at how to kill them so there was nothing to do but wait.

Eventually I moved her into one of the ground floor bathrooms, afraid she would escape me in the large living room while I remained in my human form – the only way to escape the voices of the pack I had abandoned.

Instead I found myself thinking about the Cullens and the other red head we had been chasing. Had Bella known the bloodsucker that bit her or the red head like she knew the Cullens? She had to have known about her boyfriend and his cold skinned family... You know, "_Goodness honey, what cold hands you have…"_

No, there was no way she couldn't have known which was why it seemed beyond stupid that I had had to keep the werewolf secret from her these past few weeks. All this time I had cursed _him_ for toying with her so recklessly and then disappearing when I had done no better. Despite the circumstances, now I could finally tell her the truth about all of us, and that thought made me feel a little better.

I wondered what she would say when I told her about the pack. I could almost hear her reproachful tone and her adorable pout as she told me off for abandoning her. _But that was the old Bella_, I couldn't help but think as I watched the creature that used to be her grimace in agony.

Finally on the third day her heart started to slow.

It was subtle at first. Not something anyone would normally notice unless they'd been sitting there for the last three days listening to it.

As it slowed it got louder – the sound of her heart beating harder, pumping for all it was worth, fighting to stay alive. The only thing it didn't know yet was that it would undoubtedly lose.

* * *

**A/N:** If anyone thinks this story starts suddenly its cause it sort of does. This is originally the second chapter, because I did write about the change from Bella's pov and then thought that everyone's probably read enough of those.

Constructive criticism would be awesome. I have problems with structure and if Jake's thoughts are all over the place I take full blame. Lol.

Also I think I would like a Beta to tighten up and neaten and make it flow better. Is there anyone out there who would be interested?


	2. New Born

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.

New Born

**Bella**

At first all that existed was the unyielding darkness, a malicious current of fog that pulled me further away from the surface.

And then it came. The fire. And I was torn from the silent murky shadows of that non-place, only to be born into a sudden existence of pain. Unbearable. Relentless. Everlasting.

Molten lava flowed through every vein, along every nerve, searing though every muscle, every sinew of flesh, getting hotter still with each passing second. Spreading…

I wanted to die.

I would have done anything to embrace death if it meant stopping the pain. There was nothing in this world that could possibly be worth the agony. My screams gave me no relief.

Time stretched on and eventually fell away altogether. Had it not been for the ever increasing pain I would have questioned its continual existence as I battled the inferno within.

I was dying. Or at least I hoped I was. An eternity of torture was too much to bear. And yet somewhere in my slowly expanding intellect I knew that this taste of hell was by no means a permanent feature on my menu, because you see, an eternity ago a voice had called.

"Bella..."

***

"... Bella..." the familiar voice sobbed from above.

I was pretty sure it was an angel. From some remote corner of my brain I knew there _had_ _been_ an angel once. A different sounding angel with a voice like velvet. But one could hardly expect all angles to sound the same, I reasoned as I drifted through the darkness. And why was this one also sobbing? Angel's shouldn't cry.

The pain in my neck seemed to pull me to the surface and soon other sounds that broke through the darkness. Voices, footsteps and the sound of growling.

"Oh my god... He bit her!" another voice spoke with disbelief.

Someone else was cursing.

"Is she going to die?" asked someone else.

I couldn't be dying, I wanted to say. Death couldn't hurt this much.

"It's too late to save her, she's going to turn," yet another voice spoke.

An older, deeper voice growled. "As if we need another filthy bloodsucker. I say we kill her now."

"No! She was the victim here! It wasn't her fault!" the angel snarled.

"We know how you feel about her man, but she's becoming one of _them_! When she wakes up she won't be that girl anymore." More snarling.

"Both of you shut up!" That voice had to be the leader.

Everything went quiet. Someone else was whining.

"We have to do it Jake," the leader spoke again. "I'm sorry man, but Paul's right. When she wakes she'll be someone else. The young ones are feral and dangerous. We can't take the risk."

"No!" the angel's voice cried again. His voice was full of agony.

"Jake... Be reasonable! What's going to happen when she runs back home, gets a little hungry and kills Charlie?"

"She won't kill Ch –"

"You don't know that Jake! And so what if she doesn't? She'll just as easily kill anyone else."

"I'm sorry – "

"Hey! WHAT THE HELL – _Come back here Jake!_"

And then I felt strong, warm arms embraced me as the voices faded in the distance.

***

It's amazing what you notice when you finally manage to wrap your head around the burning agony and the idea that your body might be charred beyond recognition.

Sounds of cars. Music. A ringing cell phone. Someone breathing. The cool smell of tiles and the overpowering smell of wet dog…

I questioned this last observation but decided that I was in too much pain to open my eyes and ascertain the source of the offending odour.

I realized soon enough that the fire hadn't really been getting hotter; I had just been getting more sensitive to it and was thankful when it finally levelled off to a constant burn. In fact it even felt like it might have been… decreasing?

Yes, soon my fingertips and toes felt blissfully cool as the heat redistributed itself across my chest and over my heart.

But the pain was incredible. Every beat was slower and more painful than the next as my heart strained under the concentrated heat.

I felt my screams died in my lungs as my breath rushed from my body. As my heart drummed out its final beat, the flames faded completely. At long last the eternal torture came to an end and finally, I opened my eyes.

***

Everything was so _clear_. Like someone had adjusted the TV and set it at an impossibly high definition.

I watched, transfixed as dust motes spiralled in the dim lighting that seemed to come from behind me, refracting row after row of eight-coloured rainbows off the white symmetrical tiles. Nothing had ever looked so beautiful and I would have spent all day captivated by the sight if I hadn't notice something very big moving in the periphery.

In less than a second I had launched upright, standing in a defensive crouch facing the threat as the rest of my thoughts took in the surroundings. I was standing in a medium sized bathroom and the thing I had previously been lying in was a large white tub.

Loud, feral snarling echoed off the walls before I realized half a second later that they were mine. In another half an instant I was no longer crouched but standing upright, all snarling gone as I fully focused on the person standing on the other side of the bathroom.

"Bella?" Jacob tone was full of concern although he made no move to come closer. He looked so disturbingly sad that I wanted to cross the room and hug him.

He watched me cautiously as I took a step forward. "Do you remember who I am?"

I was thrown by this question. Thrown and slightly irritated. Of course I knew who he was. He was my best friend, my personal sun in this sunless place – or at least he was two weeks ago…

"Of course I know you, Jake," I snapped, rolling my eyes. "Are you going to tell me why we're in a bathroom and why the hell you haven't been answering my calls? You sure don't look sick."

And just like that Jacob cracked a grin and I felt my eyes narrow in suspicion as I watched relief flooded his features.

"You're still the same," he laughed, but he must have seen my expression because he quickly straitened his face. _Did he think this was_ _funny_?

"You don't remember anything that happened, do you?" His watched my face anxiously, waiting for some sign of recognition, but I was coming up blank. "Three days ago in the meadow that blo– vampire bit you. We were too late to stop it…"

He trailed off into silence and I heard myself gasp as dim memories came rushing back.

Laurent! He had attacked me in the meadow before the wolves had arrived and scared him away. And yet Jake had said 'we'. What did he know about those massive wolves?

"But how did you know? You weren't there –" At long last I finally realized the implications of his tale. Backed up by my dim memories and the excruciating pain I had felt, there was only one thing that made sense.

"I am a vampire," I said, testing the strange sentence out loud while another part of my brain registered the slight hint of wind chimes that rang through my new voice.

Jake nodded miserably. "We were too late."

"We?"

"Us. The wolves." He met my gaze for a long moment, both willing me to understand something and afraid of my reaction. "Remember the tale I first told you on First Beach? The legends are true, Bells. The Quillettes are werewolves."

_Werewolves?_

He waited several seconds as I processed this information. My mind was reeling in shock. _Jacob Black and his friends were werewolves?_

A tired smile crossed his face and he slowly shook his head. "You know beyond doubt that vampires exist," – he motioned towards me – "and yet you have trouble believing in werewolves?"

_Well, if he was going to put it that way… _

"How long have you known?" I asked, even though I could make a pretty good guess.

"Since that night after the movie."

I felt myself nod. Everything was finally making sense – Jacob avoiding me all of last week and how he started hanging out with Sam. They weren't a strange cult like I had thought, more like a _pack_.

"I'm so sorry Bells," he continued. "I wanted to tell you but Sam said that I couldn't. Against pack rules or something, which I found so frustrating because all this time you already knew about _them_."

I winced as his mere reference to my lost family found my heart like a knife. He noticed and looked apologetic.

"I'm sorry," he apologised again. "I know you don't like talking about them."

I didn't respond to that. There wasn't much to say. They had left and everybody in this town knew how I felt.

"Where are we?" I asked instead.

"Cullen's house, ground floor bathroom." He sensed my obvious disapproval and continued. "The pack can't touch you on this land and I obviously couldn't take you back to Charlie."

_Charlie_.

I felt a mental whiplash at the mention of my father name. My human father. I was a threat to him now, a threat to my mother, Phil and everyone I knew. They could no longer be in my life, the risks were too great and suddenly it felt as if my heart was breaking all over again.

But my tears did not fall. _And they never will again_, a small part of me thought as the other part surrendered itself to the crushing grief.

Jake broke his stance and moved closer to where I sat. He was still wary of the potential threat I posed, but I was too upset to feel offended. The smell of wet dog grew stronger as he lowered his large frame to sit beside me and I could feel heat radiating off him.

"Bella," I heard him whisper through my tearless sobs. His tone was hesitant and his expression guarded, but the familiar sound of his voice was comforting. Then without warning I felt the searing heat of his body as his arms threw themselves around me in a sweltering hug.

I froze. My entire body was screaming at me to attack him. His scorching heat was a natural warning against my skin and I held my breath as the canine stench became unbearable, and yet somehow I managed to make myself absolutely still, forcing my body not to fight or flee.

_This is just as bad for him_, I realized, momentarily wondering how cold and hard my body would now feel to him. I knew this was his way of telling me that he was still there for me, still my best friend despite what I'd become.

So I ignored the discomfort and hugged him back, pretending not to notice the loud thumping of his very warm wet heart so close to my ears as I buried myself into his chest. I had lost everyone I had from my human life and I'd be damned if I was going to lose Jake too. I needed him, my very own personal scorching sun, and I was going to hold onto this friendship with everything I had.

Eventually he released me and stood up and I followed him out of the bathroom. I felt myself grimace as I breathed in the stronger smell of dog that now clung to my clothes.

"You stink Jake."

"Huh. I guess I don't smell good to you either," he said laughing at my disgust. "Must be a 'natural enemies' thing. You smell awful too."

"I do?" I had always thought the Cullen's smelt so nice. Like honey and sunshine.

"Yup. Too sweet. Sickly sweet. It's like breathing in chemicals."

Now it was my turn to laugh at the disgust on his face as he sat down on a large white couch and theatrically plugged his nose. Then he yawned, allowing me to see half way down his throat and for the first time I noticed how haggard he looked.

"You look like hell, Jake. When was the last time you slept?"

"Don't know," he mumbled, his eyes closing already.

I felt a twinge of guilt. Had I kept him up for the past three days? "You should sleep then."

"I should take you hunting," he mumbled again, and at his words I felt a previously forgotten pain flare sharply in my throat. I was so very thirsty, though the idea of hunting was daunting and twisted my stomach.

"Sleep now. Take me hunting later," I insisted, regretting those words instantly as I felt the thirst burn.

* * *

**A/N:** Okay, I admit. It would have been pretty weird to start Bella's pov and skipping the change completely. I guess there's a time and place for everything.

I know this chapter didn't contain that much new plot info, but a review would be awesome. :)


	3. Thirst

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.

A/N: Yikes, life has been totally crazy and I am once again sleep deprived so forgive the lateness and help point out the awkward bits. I am still without a beta. No takers anyone? I don't much like this chapter. Something about it irks me, but maybe I should leave that for you to decide…

Thirst

**Bella**

By the time Jake woke up from his nap I was falling apart at the seams. Before he drifted off I had promised that I wouldn't leave the house, and as he slept I had made myself comfortable, not even bothering to leave the room.

Being in his house, my thoughts undoubtedly wandered back to Edward, reclaiming each precious memory of him from the dim foggy wasteland of human reminiscence. I knew these memories couldn't do him justice, but they were all I had. Never again would I scream for him in my sleep, robbed even of my hallucinations by the venom. Vampires had no subconscious.

_Edward, Edward, Edward._ I felt the crevice in my chest split itself wide open. Half of me wanted to dash upstairs to his bedroom where his scent would no doubt still be lingering in the air, the only token left behind. But being the coward that I was, I was afraid to see it empty and so I stayed on the ground floor, listening to Jake's loud, wet heart as I battled the burning thirst.

I was so thirsty. My throat felt like the bleached desert earth under the midday sun. And thinking about it only made it so much worse. I held myself still as I listened to the beating organ in a near trance like state. Even the animalistic taint of Jake's blood didn't make it any less appealing, I was that thirsty. I balled my fists into my chest as I lay curled up on the couch. My tensed muscles did not protest as I tried to fight the magnetic pull that was impelling me to hunt, wet dog smell be damned.

Strangely enough there was some part of me that knew that I didn't want to eat Jacob Black, and yet I couldn't bring myself to figure out why that was. I could almost taste it, the sweet coppery liquid that would flow as his beautiful russet skin parted under my quick, sharp teeth. The way it would taste as it flowed over my tongue and down my burning throat, promising nothing but the sweetest relief from this –

"Bella? What the hell! " Jake leaped to his feet the moment he saw my trembling form. I was so lost in my fantasies that I hadn't even noticed that he had woken up and had seen me on the couch, my body curled up in a tight shivering ball.

"Go away," I growled at him, rocking myself harder into the couch as the quickening heartbeat came nearer. "I'm fine. Stay back."

Of course I wasn't fooling anyone. A frown appeared on his brow as he contemplated.

"Jeez, I'm sorry," he said. "I should have made you eat before. I had no idea…"

_You have no idea just how delectable you look right now..._

I shook my head to clear it, trying hard not to look like a guilty vampire who had been thinking of eating her best friend. Were we even still best friends? If Jake could read my thoughts he didn't say anything, but continued to watch me in contemplation.

"Come on," he said, tilting his head towards the door. "Let's get you into that forest and see what you can do."

He must have been expecting some sort of protest because the look on his face was one of total shock. In less than a tenth of a second I was already out the door and waiting for him to catch up. He rushed out after me looking alarmed but relaxed when he saw that I hadn't gone any further than the front porch. In fact I remained standing, a living statue as all my senses went into overdrive.

Being outside was amazing. I could smell and hear _everything_. The natural scent of earth, dampness and forest life that was carried in the evening breeze was exciting my olfactory senses while my heightened hearing picked out forest sounds that I had even yet to identify. I could see each individual leaf, each twig and each microscopic sign of life and felt my muscles coil in anticipation. It was as if I could smell and see _life_ itself. As if the world had been a stagnant and dead place before my birth into vampirism.

"Bella."

I whipped around at my name to see Jake staring at me with caution. Unease filled his expression as his eyes caught my own, trying to gauge my reaction of being outside. I could see my twin reflections in his deep brown eyes, my pallid skin striking against a frame of dark chestnut hair.

I felt a bubble of annoyance rise as we remained locked in each other's gaze. Was I only a threat he had to keep watch over? I could sense his unease around me. It pooled in waves so thick that I could almost smell them. Like the rest of the world, Jake himself had come alive and I found myself conscious of his every movement, every muscle contraction.

I watched him as he watched me watch him, feeling more and more like a rabid dog that might attack him without warning. Finally I felt the bubble burst.

"Stop _staring_ at me, Jake," I snarled. "It's bloody irritating."

I wasn't sure why I was so angry, but I was. I knew he didn't trust me – I didn't even trust me – but he really didn't have to make it that obvious. So far I had kept my promises hadn't I? I hadn't killed anything yet and the fact that he assumed I had no control made me fume.

_I've noticed that people – men in particular – are crabbier when they're hungry._

The old familiar voice in my head echoed back at me as the memory drew itself out of my mental chasm. The passenger's seat of his car. Golden eyes that grew dark with thirst or passion, and _his _handsome face tight with self loathing. The images were dim and murky, but I was suddenly distracted from my anger by an onslaught of grief.

"It'll be okay, Bells," Jake murmured from behind me, his voice so soft that I was sure that my human self wouldn't have heard it. He wasn't looking at me this time, staring ominously into the forest that seemed to begin at the house's very doorstep.

_How can you possibly know that?_ I wanted to ask but nodded my head instead.

"I have to learn to trust you," he said. His words were louder this time, filled with resolve but held no trace of anger. He seemed to have forgiven my bout of crabbiness, but I knew if I were human my cheeks would have burned with shame. Yet somehow he didn't seem angry with me and I felt a strange sense of relief. I might have deserved it, but I wasn't going to chase him away too. I wouldn't be able to handle being completely alone. As it was, it felt like my fraying emotions were being stretched to the breaking point.

***

We entered the forest, starting at a moderate run so that Jake wouldn't have to phase. He hadn't contacted the pack since the incident in the meadow and we both agreed that it would be best if they weren't aware of our current location unless absolutely necessary. I couldn't help but grimace the implications.

Even at that speed, trees shot by me as my bare feet found a hold in the soft forest floor. It was completely exhilarating. Each brush of vegetation was like a caress to my impregnable skin, though it made quick work of destroying my clothes. I could feel my unused muscles flex with each springing leap, and if felt good and natural to move so freely. I knew I could easily have outrun Jacob with my newborn strength and this body that would never again feel fatigue, my spacious new mind briefly considered mutiny and maybe I would have carried it through if it hadn't been for the previous conversation.

He started to slow as we came to a spot where the vegetation grew a little less dense and I came to a halt beside him. He was panting slightly from the efforts of the run; a mischievous gleam in his dark eyes reflected his excitement, although they faded as they caught my expression.

Once again his heart was pounding. A giant drum in my head that was keeping time with each passing second. Once again I was unable to focus on anything other than the pulsing artery at his neck. The flames in my throat which had been abandoned for the wonderment of the forest were back in full force. I was vaguely aware that he was talking to me as I watched, mesmerised.

Then he placed one hand over the side of his throat. "Bella!"

"I'm sorry," I blinked, shaking my head. "What did you say?"

"I said I smell elk, and that we're far away enough from where the hikers usually go. You'd be able to hunt around here without running into anyone."

I felt my heart drop to my stomach at the mention of hikers as my throat simultaneously erupted into flames. I didn't know the first thing about hunting and thankfully there were no humans around. This already had the makings of a total disaster. Knowing me I would find a way to mess it up or fall on my face and becomes the world's first klutzy vampire. However, the thirst was making me impatient and the maddening sound of Jake's heart was almost too much to bear.

Closing my eyes, I felt my senses hone in on a small group of beating hearts towards the west. There couldn't have been more than five of them gathered together at the riverbank; the cool evening breeze carried their scent downwind to where we stood. Elk.

They didn't smell at all appealing but I was driven by the thirst, my spacious consciousness slipping into heightened bloodlust. Focusing completely on my prey, I flew through the forest like a comet.

It took no more than four leaps to reach the bank and in less than a quarter of a second to reach the tall, proud buck that stood at the edge of the little group. Every single movement was instinctive and he didn't even see me coming. The rest of the herd scattered as my iron grip found a hold on his soft, warm neck. A snap was all it took.

My lips found their way to the warmest spot on his neck where the biggest artery was already slowing. My teeth sank into that warm wet spot and his blood burst into my waiting mouth, cooling my thirst as I swallowed in thick greedy gulps. It tasted strange. Slightly off. Not human. But it served its purpose.

It was only once I had discarded the third carcass did I notice Jake's presence. I knew he had been nearby all along just in case anything happened; I had only been too preoccupied to notice.

His shoulders tensed as I turned towards him and I could read the unease in his eyes as his mouth was pulled into a tight smile.

"Good meal?" he asked, laughing nervously as I made a face. Elk tasted pretty awful.

He seemed wary of my thoughts, as if he might expect me to want more. Or more of something else. However by this time the fire in my throat was already dulled even thought it would never be fully extinguished, allowing my thoughts to wonder to other areas.

I was suddenly very aware of my embarrassing state of dress. My clothes had mostly been shredded by the forest and I was smudged with dirt and elk blood. I knew I looked completely feral and I felt full and ever so slightly…sloshy.

"I hope you didn't watch me eat," I mumbled, trying to straighten my blouse that no longer resembled the one I had put on that morning. "It's barbaric."

One look at the disgust on my face was enough to make him crack a smile. He slowly shook his head. "You do look like you just fought a war. You'll get better at it."

"Do werewolves hunt and kill things?" I asked, curious. I couldn't imagine Jake doing that I just had.

"Sure, we can if we need to, but most of the time it isn't necessary, our bodies have a greater flexibility in terms of diet. Plus human food just tastes better."

I stared at the three elk carcasses as he spoke, remembering the feeling of the kill as well as the hunger and the feeling of raw power. I couldn't help but wonder if werewolves ever felt that way. Did they ever feel the calling of bloodlust? I wasn't sure they did. After all, Jake still liked pizza and hotdogs – normal human food – while I could hardly recall what normal human food tasted like. From now on there would only be blood and eternal thirst.

***

The next couple of days passed thankfully without incident. Jake and I continued squatting in the Cullen house which was far away enough from town and secluded enough that we didn't have to deal with neighbours or postmen or other forms of temptation. Jake was very careful whenever we went outside and I was grateful for his vigilance. While it was easier for me to hunt at night in the cover of darkness, I didn't dare to leave the house without Jake, choosing instead to reread the two dusty fantasy novels that I found abandoned beneath Rosalie and Emmet's bed.

I couldn't help but wish that they had left more books behind. The nights were long and boring, filled with nothing but Jake's cacophonous snores from the couch. The first few nights I stayed downstairs, watching him twitch and murmur as his dreams took over. They must have been frightening because often his muscles would tense, causing him to wake in a sheen of cold sweat. He refused to tell me what they were about and soon I stopped asking. Even so, I couldn't help but notice as the shadows under his eyes became more permanent as they days stretched on. Instead I began spending the nights in Alice and Jasper's room or Carlisle's study as they were the most familiar. Not once did I ever venture to the third floor.

But just because I didn't physically venture upstairs didn't mean that my mind wasn't on the floor above. More often than not I was lost in thought, recalling memories of that one forbidden room and its beautiful owner.

Where was he? What was he doing now? Was he happy? Had he found the right distractions? All these questions swirled in my head, filling my nights.

I found myself wishing for sleep and dreams because surely anything was better than these unanswered questions. Questions I would never get to ask, or even have the right to ask. I had been abandoned, felt behind – like Emmet's fantasy novels – in the little dark crevices of their forgotten days in Forks.

And yet even as I lived in their house, surrounded by their scent and their possessions, I knew that these days too would end. Life would move on. Jake would return to La Push, return to his pack.

All I had was endless time. Endless time in which to wait.

Wait for my eyes to finally clear.

Wait for the burning thirst to abate.

Wait for some semblance of control, or for something else to happen.

And happen it did.

I guess you could say it all started out from my severe lack of control, but I'd like to think that it started earlier than that – a whole year earlier. Since that fateful day in biology the gears had already been slowly turning. Now the rest of the pieces were falling into place.


	4. The Nightmares Just Keep Getting Worse

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything.

**A/N:** This chapter is so, SO overdue, it's ridiculous so I thank you for your immense patience. I made this one a long chapter so I hope that makes you feel a little bit better. My apologies to those of you who don't know what's going on in the beginning of this chapter. I slightly tinkered the ending of chapter 3 to fit this in, because everyone knows that in a 'Bella-struggles-to-keep-her-humanity-fic' this has to happen. To the rest who love JPOVs, I'm afraid this one isn't as good and I think this chapter might just be the last of them. Sorry.

**Recap:**

_And yet even as I lived in their house, surrounded by their scent and their possessions, I knew that these days too would end. Life would move on. Jake would return to La Push, return to his pack._

_All I had was endless time. Endless time in which to wait. _

_Wait for my eyes to finally clear._

_Wait for the burning thirst to abate._

_Wait for some semblance of control, or for something else to happen._

_And happen it did._

_I guess you could say it all started out from my severe lack of control,though I'd like to think that it started earlier than that – a whole year earlier. Since that fateful day in biology the gears had already been slowly turning. Now the rest of the pieces were falling into place._

The Nightmares Just Keep Getting Worse

**Jacob**

"Let go of me!" Her barbed words were thick and vicious as she struggled in my weakening grasp. I could feel my fingers slipping against her marble skin as she thrashed and I winced under her immense force. My muscles were screaming, fighting to keep her from escaping my grip as I held her arms pinned to her sides, because if she did… if she managed to gain even the slightest amount of leverage…

I didn't even want to think about it. _Please god, let me be strong enough._

But I wasn't. I knew that already the moment she lunged herself in the kid's direction. He was as good as dead.

"I want him!" The rumbling in her chest was already far beyond her warning growls as she wrestled to free herself from my weakening grip.

Bella was gone and in her place was a ravenous monster that was hell bent on eating the boy who continued standing at the front porch, parcel in hand, looking scared, confused and utterly clueless.

It didn't even matter that she had seen the Samson kid before. He often delivered mail for his dad who worked in the town's small post office and was certainly one of the more familiar faces in Forks. But if Bella recognised him she didn't care. He might as well have walked up to the house with a fat, red apple in his mouth and a grave stone with his name on it because as far as she was concerned, he smelt way too good.

"Go!" I yelled at him as I stumbled through the thinning vegetation, still locked onto Bella. We had just returned from a hunt when she had smelt him and I was already losing against the obdurate will and unyielding strength of a freshly fed vampire.

The kid however, remained frozen in place as he watched me struggle with Bella, unsure of what to do or how to save himself.

"Get out of here!"

I could hear the panic in my own voice as the constant nightmares since Bella's transformation flashed before my eyes.

Bella killing Charlie.

Bella killing Billy.

Bella simply… killing.

_Please, please let me dreaming. _

I felt a rush in my ears and a tremor in my spine as I struggled to keep from exploding with my arms full of Bella. I was afraid of hurting her – a reflexive response – and even more afraid of what would happen if I lost my grip on her. But I was losing the small purchase I had against on her icy, marble skin as she fought against me and I knew I had little choice.

The tight feeling of busting out of one's clothes nagged at my mind for an instant as I felt my pants shred and fall away. I jumped forward into Bella, managing to knock her over with the force of my suddenly added weight as I landed on all fours.

My transformation was enough to stun her, throwing her off her feet and onto her back. But of course she didn't stay down for long. She rolled on her back with inhuman grace and was on her feet in less than a second. Her recovery was just enough to distract her from the kid, putting her on high defence as she turned to face me.

_Jake?_

Paul's mental voice echoed through the connection, the La Push border flashed quickly before me. I shoved his thoughts away, putting all my focus onto the hungry vampire.

It was sickly ironic that it has been my transformation that had given the kid the motivation to move his ass off the front porch. I could hear him, crashing through the overgrown driveway with the grace of a charging elephant, panting as he sprinted away from death.

No doubt Bella could hear him too. Fleeing prey. I could see the temptation he presented to her as she hesitated, weighing the pros of defending herself against the thrill of the chase and the gory satisfaction that would follow it. However, even as a vampire her face was an open book and I could see the decision in her eyes even before she turned from me.

I lunged.

And pain exploded in my shoulder as she swung back around to face me at the last instant, getting a hold of me in her iron grip. Panicking, I struggled against her until my legs found resistance against her body and then kicked, hard.

She flew backwards, but not very far, destroying a tree as she fell against it.

Ignoring my throbbing shoulder, I leaped directly onto her, pinning her down, pushing her stone body into the damp earth with everything I had.

I sensed her defeat as she let out a feral cry, twisting under my weight without the leverage to push me off. The bright red lustre of her irises were gone, replaced by a pair that were black as pitch, filled with a desperate hunger so great that I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. Because watching her struggle was painful. Never before had I ever witnessed such unadulterated _need_.

_Don't let go. _Sam's thoughts echoed through the link and I rolled my eyes. Right. Like I would let her go after what just happened…

Before I knew it I was seeing images of the pack running toward the house. My thoughts turned frantic.

_No! I have her under control. Don't come here. Sam, please..._

Because I couldn't protect her anymore if the pack showed up. I couldn't change their minds if they thought she was a risk, because she _was_ a risk. A ticking bomb waiting to blow.

I winced as Bella's movements jarred my broken shoulder.

Embry's thoughts were worried._ You alright? _

_Yeah. I'm fine_, I thought back. _Just stay away. Please, Sam. We'll be fine. I promise._

_You're NOT fine. We're coming,_ Sam argued as trees continued whizzing past the pack's collective mind.

Beneath me, I felt Bella's movements slowly subside. She finally became quiet, pinned to the earth, completely still. I almost welcomed the return of brilliant crimson as I watched the colour bleed back into those hungry, dark pools. She stared up at me, blinking as I held my breath. A few miles away the rest of my pack held their breath too.

"Oh my god. Jake…" She grimaced beneath me, shaking her head as if to clear it. "I'm so, _so _sorry."

Her face was contorted in agony as one apology after another spilled from her lips, her wind-chime voice so different from the feral growling. I allowed relief to flood my chest.

_Please stay away, she's fine now._ I knew I was begging but, I was out of options.

_This is ridiculous Jake! She almost had you. _Disapproval saturated Sam's inner voice, but I was relieved that he hadn't used the alpha command.

_ It was my fault_, I insisted. _I didn't sense the kid at the house until the very last minute. I'm just as much to blame as she. If you kill her, you'll have to kill me first._

_Jake, listen-_

But I cut him off. _She's like this BECAUSE of us, Sam. It's our fault that it happened. So don't tell me that-_

-_If you'd stop being a boneheaded idiot you'd know that I I wasn't going to have her killed, _he snapped back._  
_

_Huh?_ Now I was confused, and slightly lightheaded as the adrenalin and internal panic slowly subsided.

Beneath me, Bella finally stopped apologising, the look of worry still etched onto her face.

"You okay?"

I nodded at her, hoping that she wouldn't notice my injured shoulder. The guilt would crush her if she realized what she did and hopefully my crazy werewolf healing would have that fixed before she caught on. However her heart rendering expression of agony and self-loathing did not fade and her voice was so quiet I almost didn't hear it.

"They were right you know. Maybe I should have been killed in the meadow."

I heard myself growl at her words, the sound vibrating deep in my chest. I fixed my gaze on her to make certain that she knew perfectly well what I meant. But her words continued, unabated.

"I almost got him Jake. He was so close. So close and smelling _so_ good." I felt her shudder beneath me at the memory. "And I didn't care, Jake. I wanted him. I wanted him enough to kill him and some part of me _always_ will. I thought I could control it. They made it look so easy."

Her voice quivered at her own implications, all traces of self confidence that we had fostered over the past few days was completely gone. She was right. _They_ had made it look easy, but none of them were as young as she was so surely that had to count for something?

_I'd be more than happy to oblige her._ Paul's thoughts burned with contempt. The less explicit agreements in the minds of the rest were not surprising considering what almost happened, but somehow I felt like I was being betrayed. I listened closely for Sam's thoughts, the only ones that mattered, but instead found him thinking about the Clearwaters.

"They're coming, aren't they?" she asked and I nodded. There was no need to reiterate who she meant. If the pack thought I was in danger she knew that they would come. That was how things worked.

I moved off Bella, because seeing her in guilty agony without me holding her down seemed somehow less incriminating. As expected she didn't move from the spot, simply sitting up and hugging her knees as she rocked herself back and forth in the dirt of the wounded earth. I dashed into the house, phasing mid-run into human form and grabbing an abandoned pair of shorts Bella had found days before. I was back at her side when they finally reached the house, ready to defend her no matter what happened.

***

**Bella**

"Sam, Paul and Embry are on their way," Jake said when he came back. His face was grim, his jaw clenched, Emmet's board shorts hanging loosely off his hips. "It'll be ok, I promise."

But his words held little effect on calming me and my teeth nearly pierced my lower lip as I listened to the muted sound of their approach from where I sat. Their stealth and speed was unnerving, almost vampire-like, and I felt my muscles coil as they emerged from the vegetation. The Embry-wolf and the boy who could only be Paul stood at Sam Uley's flanks, the three of them stopping at a careful distance.

"Hey, Jake," Sam nodded a greeting; his face was a perfect expressionless mask as he eyed us cautiously. "Bella."

His eyes were filled with questions at he regarded me. I realized that none of them had ever seen a vampire that they had known as a human and wondered at how strange it must feel for them. As Jared watched me I could feel the tension that warred within him and the guilt of his pack that my transformation represented. None the less, I had to commend him for not even flinching as he met my scarlet gaze.

"What, no cookies?" Jake said easily, no doubt trying to break the tension, though the smile did not reach his eyes.

The other boy – Paul – threw him a withering look, his face as dark as a rain cloud, his hands shaking by his sides. Sam shot Paul a warning glare.

"We're just here to talk," he promised, returning his glance to Jake who had shifted his weight and had positioned himself between Paul and myself, ready to sacrifice his last pair of shorts if need be.

Jake eyed them dubiously. "Then talk."

"Despite what just happed, we're not here to harm her, Jake," Sam said evenly. "If you had phased in the last few days you would have already known that we decided to extend to Bella the same offer that we had with the doctor and his family, and as such, Bella hasn't yet broken the treaty."

Jake nodded and he continued.

"We assume she has taken to their chosen lifestyle, therefore as long as she refrains from biting a human and stays clear of the reservation, we see no reason why we cannot coexist as we have before."

Part of me wondered how he knew I hadn't been feeding off the good people of Forks as I listened to Jake confirm my chosen lifestyle. Then I realized that the herds of deer and elk carcases would not have gone unnoticed by the pack despite my best attempts to bury the evidence. I still had trouble with my thirst and had been forced to hunt as often as twice a day.

"We think it might be better that she left the area for a while, so as not to…repeat today's events. Just until Bella masters more control."

Suddenly I felt cold, and very, very alone. Where would I go? I raised my eyes to Jacob to see what he thought only to see him shake his head.

"No, we can't do that. I need to stay with her, to help her when she caves – like today. If she's on her own-," he paused, unwilling to finish. "It'll just be worse."

_Of course it would be worse. Much, much worse…_

Sam nodded. "Then you too are responsible for what happens," he said, letting out a sigh. "If Bella's staying then its best if you were also aware that the red-head one has been trying to pass through here."

It took a moment for me to understand the implications of Sam's words, tearing me from my thoughts as everything finally clicked into place.

"_Victoria_." The name fell from my lips in a gasp as I felt my chest tighten in shock.

In an instant I had moved into a defensive crouch as fear and panic had worked its way into my chest, screaming at me to fight or flee. Paul and Embry had flinched at my sudden movement, but I spared them no thought. Laurent had failed and now Victoria was looking for me to finish off her job.

"Is she a friend of yours?" Sam looked incredulous, but I quickly shook my head.

"No. No of course not. She… We are certainly not friends." I felt my stomach sink as Laurent's words repeated themselves in my head.

_I swear you'll be thanking me for this._

"Do you know what she wants?" Jake demanded as I tried to will the terror from my voice with mixed success.

"Um…Yes. She wants me dead."

Looks of surprise plastered themselves over the faces of the werewolves.

"But you _are_ dead," Paul pointed out nastily, seeming to having finally found his voice.

"Shut up, Paul!" Jake snapped before rounding on me. "Why? What did you ever do to her?"

"Nothing," I clarified. "Edward" – I winced, my chest tight with pain – "killed her mate. James. To protect me. It's something that their kind – our kind – doesn't forgive."

"You mean the other one isn't her mate?"

"Laurent? The one you killed?" _The one that killed me._ "No. They're just old friends."

"No, I mean the younger looking one."

I felt myself freeze as panic seared through me. _How just how many vampires were after me?_

Jake looked just as stunned as I was. "There's _another_ one?" he demanded.

"Yup." Paul nodded. "As you can see, we've been having quite the_ party_ without you, Jake. Between two slippery bloodsuckers and the Clearwaters, I think I'd rather stick around here and raise our pet vampire!"

In an instant Jake had stepped forward and Sam had stepped between the two shaking boys.

"Stop this NOW," Sam growled, glaring daggers at Jake who backed off and Paul who was sulking. Even Embry had moved in case Sam needed help separating them.

"What about the Clearwaters?" I asked, hoping to divert attention away from Paul's snarky comments. There was a pause as everyone turned to Sam, but the look on Sam's face suddenly saddened, making him look so much older than his twenty years.

"You weren't phasing, Jake, so you couldn't have known. Truth is, we would've had to visit you even without Bella's slip." He paused again, one hand coming up to rub his haggard face in an awkward gesture before meeting eyes with Jake. "Harry Clearwater passed away this morning, Jake. Heart attack."

I saw Jakes eyes widen, his expression moving from shock to grief as the words stuck us like blows to the head.

"Seth and Leah have the gene, Jake," Sam continued. "Both Seth _and_ Leah, Jake. Never before has there ever been a _female_ werewolf." He rubbed his forehead in exasperation.

"Anyway, Harry comes home one night and they pretty much explode into wolves in front of him – you know how it is – and before they know it he's in shock and lying on the floor. There are some things a man can't take."

I listened as Jake cursed softly, offering his condolences. The news caught me off guard and for a moment it was strange to think that somewhere, life – and death – for everyone else was carrying on.

Poor Sue. Poor Leah and Seth. Charlie and Billy would be devastated.

More than anything I found myself wishing that I could help out. The desire to do something to provide comfort to those who felt the loss the most. But that job was not for me. Not now anyway, I thought, silently hoping that Laurent's soul had found its way to the fieriest depths of hell.

"How's Charlie?" I blurted out the question. I had to know.

I waited as Sam eyed me for half a second, seeming to consider his response. I could only imagine what he saw. A red-eyed newborn, upset over the death of a human when not even an hour ago I had been after some kid's blood.

But then the fire was gone from his gaze and his shoulders slumped, breaking the tension, his eyes casted downwards.

"It's hard for him, losing his daughter and best friend in the same week. He still believes you're somewhere out there alive, you know. The police are still searching."

I immediately imagined my father leading searches into the woods, trying to track down the bears or wolves that everybody thought were responsible for the missing people. Venom pooled in my eyes but did not fall.

"Wait… if he's in the woods… Oh Sam! You must stop him! You can't let him go out there with _her _around!"

"I've spoken to the police about that," he assured me. "But you know how stubborn Charlie can get. The best we can do right now is to stick close to them and make sure she gets nowhere near the search parties."

Of course I knew Charlie was stubborn, it was a trait I had inherited.

"But that's not enough!" I argued, knowing that I was being slightly ungrateful. "If only I-"

"-If only you could help and guard him yourself instead of trying to eat the pageboy!" Paul was shaking so hard that without my enhanced sight I'm sure he would have just been a blur. "He's safer around _her_ than he'll ever be around _you_!"

"That's enough!" Jake stepped in front of me again, shielding me from his view. His expression was dark, making him look more dangerous than I had ever considered him. Even Embry was growling.

"You all _know_ it's true," he countered. "What is it, Bella? Twenty-eight deer in the last seven days? Twenty-nine? How many times have you had to feed? It's not enough is it? It'll never be enough!"

"You have no idea how hard this is for her! " Jake yelled, ignoring Sam's warning glare. I don't think I had ever seen Jake this mad.

"Oh right! She's got you wrapped around her murdering marble fingers! Of course you'd protect _her_!"

And then Paul exploded into a mess of silver fur while Embry lunged at him, preventing him from reaching us.

"No Jake, don't," I pleaded. I didn't want to be a cause of a fight. Thankfully it seemed that Paul had no desire to fight Embry and we watched as he shot off into the forest.

"Calm down, Jake. You know how Paul is," Sam reasoned. In front of me Jake was trembling.

"Yeah. Calm," he muttered, looking anything but calm. He took a deep breath, probably willing himself to keep it together.

"Anyway, as of yesterday, Charlie's won't be in the forest for a while, that should buy us some time," Sam continued. "He's been helping Sue of course. Both your dads are. The funeral is tomorrow. Billy really wants to see you, Jake. He misses you. "

Jake nodded solemnly. "Sure, sure. I'll be there."

"Good. Then this meeting is over. I'll tell Billy that you'll be there tomorrow."

***

The rest of the day was solemn affair. After what Paul said in the afternoon I no longer was in any kind of mood to go hunting and even Jake was quiet. The stress of the past few days showed clearly on his face - a now permanent feature - causing me to feel even guiltier about my huge slip up.

I had also found out that I had broken his shoulder when I noticed him wincing as he moved it and had been absolutely mortified. I really was a monster.

"I'm fine Bella, the shoulder doesn't hurt anymore," he insisted when I apologised for the hundredth time as we sat in the living room. "Werewolf healing, remember? S'long as you don't bite me, no harm done."

"It still had to hurt," I insisted. "Too bad I was too focused on trying to kill the pageboy to notice that I had _broken_ my friend's _shoulder_."

I growled in self loathing as Jake shook his head. There was a span of silence as he considered his next words.

"About what Paul said... You know he was just being a jerk."

"I know he was right."

"No, he wasn't."

I paused, at a loss of how to make him see my point, but I had a feeling that this was an argument that could last until the end of time. He shifted himself until he was lying on the larger couch, staring at the ceiling and I mimicked his movements on the smaller one. My words were barely a whisper.

"Thirty-seven."

"Huh?"

"Thirty-seven deer, Jake. They probably haven't found the ones in Aberdeen." I let out a sigh. "It's not getting any better. Feeding a million times a day isn't helping."

"It will eventually, right? I mean, it kinda has to." His voice was soft, he sounded tired.

"But that would take ages. More than a year."

"Then we'll wait however long it takes."

I smiled as he let out another of his huge yawns.

"Hey Jake?"

"Hmm?"

"You saved me from doing something unforgiveable today, so thanks."

"S'okay Bells," he murmured. His eyes were closed as he shifted to his side. "This one's on me."

And in less than ten seconds he was snoring soundly.


End file.
